Self-Contradiction

Worked in the garden again today, listening to the audio-book of some of D.T. Suzuki’s lectures on Zen—seems very apropos. I have not stuck to my resolution to hunker down, nor do I think I need to. I don’t need to develop more willpower and prohibition (aka. splitting) is not a useful way of approaching things.

Sure, sure, moderation, blah. I don’t care about moderation, or over-indulgence, or any judgemental way of looking at how I spend my time. All that matters is that working too hard in the garden for too long on too hot a day makes me feel bad, just as sitting on my ass all day reading and eating junk food makes me feel bad.

The point is not to prohibit oneself from doing something ‘bad’ or ‘incorrect,’ but to only do those things which one knows are helpful, which one wants to do.

Not in the superficial, hedonistic, let’s-get-fucked-up-to-escape-the-excruciating-mundanity-of-my-endlessly-repetitive-life way of wanting something, but in the way of wanting what you know will be fulfilling and health-giving.

Choosing to do, rather than trying to prevent yourself from doing. Choosing to think of a green turtle, rather than fighting the thought of a purple elephant.